​A number of years ago I bumped into one such thing. It was an article that stopped me in my tracks and spun me around several times and from that moment on I have never seen anything quite the same again. That article was by Cinnie Noble, a lawyer-mediator, conflict management consultant and provider of one-on-one coaching and a range of conflict management coaching workshops worldwide. The article was about “Dignity” and that two-minute read shifted my perspective forever. 

The impact this article had on me, belies its simplicity. It merely introduced the idea that dignity had an essential role to play in resolving conflict and proposed several essential elements of dignity from Dr Donna Hicks, an associate at Harvard University’s Weatherhead Center for International Affairs.

In a world where the level of uncertainty and chaos is rising at alarming levels, where it feels like we are losing the battle for peace, and where threats of violence seem to grow every day, I find my thoughts going back to this article on dignity. Monica Sharma, an international expert and practitioner on leadership development for sustainable and equitable change talks about dignity being a universal human value. And Donna Hicks talks about dignity as being a missing link.
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In her latest book “Leading with Dignity”, Donna Hicks highlights that the depth of emotional response that is evoked with the presence or absence of dignity cannot be overstated. She contends that “when people feel that their value and worth are recognized in relationships, they experience a sense of well-being that enables them to grow and flourish.” And in contrast, when “their dignity is routinely injured, relationships are experienced as a source of pain and suffering.” 

​This is so important its worth repeating:

On a quest to develop a deeper understanding of dignity and how it can serve us and how we can we tap into more of it in simple everyday ways that will transform our experiences, our relationships and our world for the better, over the next quarter, I am going to be diving deeper into exactly what dignity is and how to tap into it more easily. I will be sharing what I find as I use this new understanding of dignity as a guide to extraordinary destinations.
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For now, and as a starting point, here is the list of the essential elements of dignity Cinnie Noble shared in her head spinning article all those years ago. 

​“Some of the essential elements of dignity Hicks talks about in her book are as follows:

Acceptance of Identity--Approach people as neither inferior nor superior to you; give others the freedom to express their authentic selves without fear of being negatively judged; interact without prejudice or bias, accepting how race, religion, gender, class, sexual orientation, age, disability, etc. are at the core of their identities. Assume they have integrity.

Recognition--Validate others for their talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, and help; be generous with praise; give credit to others for their contributions, ideas and experience.

Acknowledgment--Give people your full attention by listening, hearing, validating and responding to their concerns and what they have been through.

Inclusion--Make others feel that they belong at all levels of relationship (family, community, organization, nation).

Safety—Put people at ease at two levels: physically, where they feel free of bodily harm; and psychologically, where they feel free of concern about being shamed or humiliated, that they feel free to speak without fear of retribution.

Fairness--Treat people justly, with equality, and in an even-handed way, according to agreed upon laws and rules.

Independence--Empower people to act on their own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and experience a sense of hope and possibility.

Understanding--Believe that what others think matters; give them the chance to explain their perspectives, express their points of view; actively listen in order to understand them.

Benefit of the Doubt--Treat people as trustworthy; start with the premise that others have good motives and are acting with integrity.

Accountability --Take responsibility for your actions; if you have violated the dignity of another, apologize; make a commitment to change hurtful behaviors.”​

Hicks, D. 2011, Dignity – Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, Yale, University Press, New Haven.
Hicks, D. 2018  Leading with Dignity: How to Create a Culture That Brings Out the Best in People. New Haven: Yale University Press. Copy at http://www.tinyurl.com/ybxsmopj

Noble, C. 2024, CINERGY – Peace Building – One Person at a Time, cinergycoaching.com.

Organizing Engagement, 2024, Dignity Model – Organizing Engagement.

Sharma, M. 2017, Radical Transformational Leadership – Strategic Action for Change Agents, North Atlantic Books, Berkeley California. 

​This month Six Seconds EQ Café’s have focused on Unwinding Anxiety.  If like me, you are on the journey of noticing your feelings and paying attention to their messages it can be helpful to have a quick reference guide or cheat sheet when anxiety starts to take hold. This article contains my personal go-to strategies I put into action the second I notice that growing sensation of “bodily disquiet, a sense that something is wrong” creeping up on me (Sarah Peyton, 2021).  If I can catch my anxiety before it develops into what Brene Brown (2021) describes as a feeling of “escalating loss of control, worst case scenario thinking” then I am better placed to attend to what the anxiety is drawing my attention to in a calmer and more balanced way.
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Here are the basics I return to again and again. Having these strategies at my fingertips means I’m prepared in advance with techniques to lower my anxiety when it appears. 

Slow Down, Breathe, Ground Yourself

• The very first step is to slow down and take some deep breaths, aim for a full minute doing nothing but focus on your breath.
• Now, combine grounding with breathing, notice your feet on the floor and as you take four or five more deep breaths turn your attention to the soles of your feet.

Name It to Tame It
Giving language to experience calms our brains. The clearer we can be with ourselves about what is upsetting us, the emotion we are feeling the calmer we will feel. This may sound overly simple to be helpful but the proof as they say is in the pudding. This strategy is backed up by Neuroscience. At the end of the day, you will only know if it works if you start to practice this naming of your emotional experience in your everyday life. 

Naming it with precision is important
In the naming of your emotional experience, precision is important. The magic happens when you can precisely name the emotion you are experiencing. When you get the precise name right, it soothes and regulates the emotional alarm you are feeling, and your body will begin to relax (Sarah Petyon).

I have found that it takes practice to get the precision right. And I know it immediately when I hit on just the right word, I can feel the relaxation wash over me. Like most things, it takes practice.  So even if you can’t quite land on the right word for the emotions you are experiencing, rest assured that “merely looking for them is useful because it creates distance and perspective” (Hillary Jacobs Hendel).

Noticing body sensations to feel calmer and more balanced
When our body’s sensations are within our awareness, our brains have an easier time sorting things out and tapping into the biological wisdom they contain that communicates what’s important to us and to those around us.  As we do this, we begin to “feel calmer and more balanced and our courage and self-confidence grow” (Hillary Jacobs Hendel).

The fast way to transform anything is to change our relationship with it. The tips in my “Unwinding Anxiety Emergency Kit” are about taking small practical steps to work with anxiety when it rises up. They are simple, everyday practices that will support you to find a doorway into a new relationship with this emotion that is often ignored, demonised and labelled as a troublemaker.
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As the poet David Whyte says “There is a door beneath everything, you’ll walk right by if you don’t stop to look with that troubled heart and loving eye.
My hope is that these tips will support you to engage with your anxiety with a loving eye and set the stage for transformation for you to befriend your anxiety. As you do remember:

“There is a door
beneath everything
you’ll walk right by
if you don’t stop to look
with that troubled heart
and a loving eye.
David Whyte
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​This deeper dive in the basics is for those who like a little more information and for those who looking for practice tips on how to put these basics into practice. 

Naming and validating our emotions and attending to them “soothes and regulates our emotion alarm (Sarah Peyton).

A tangible understanding of the difference naming what is happening for us can have is beautifully illustrated in a study conducted by UCLA in 2012. This study was conducted with 88 people and giant tarantulas. Not sure how the thought of this study impacts you, but I must confess just thinking about needing to work with these giant spiders makes me feel anxious. I am not sure I would volunteer.

What they found was quite amazing. Participants who were able to describe their feeling became less afraid and less anxious about the spiders and were able to move closer to them than those participants who had not labelled and verbalised their feelings. (You can read more about this study here).

This study provides us with a clear demonstration of the very real and tangible difference labelling our emotional responses can make. They found it was important to verbalize our feelings honestly and not to push them away or to label what we’re experiencing as bad. If we can follow these tenets when we are faced with anxiety it will help us feel less afraid and less anxious.

For most of us anxiety is often accompanied by a combination of emotions that arise at the same time (Hillary Jacobs Hendel).  So next time you notice your anxiety rising, take the core findings from this study and apply it to what you’re experiencing, and it will help you feel less afraid and less anxious.
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Here is another process from Hillary Jacobs Hendel’s work that I find helpful with this:

• Take a moment, slow down, take a few intentional deep breaths and feel into the mix of emotions you are feeling.
• Make a list of all the emotions you can sense into that are evoking your anxiety. Ask yourself – do I feel sad, fearful, angry, disgusted, joyful, or excited. (Anxiety and excitement feel the same. How we interpret them and label them can determine how we experience them) (Brene Brown, Alision Wood Brooks) (you can read more about this here).
• One by one imagine each emotion you have identified and place some space between each of them.
• Then validate and acknowledge each of them by saying to yourself.
  

​I feel --------------- and ------------ and ----------------- and -------------- 

“Finding the right word for a feeling creates a powerful synchronization between mind, body and heart” (Nicholas Janni). The research has shown ‘the amygdala calming when precisely correct words for emotions are used“(Sarah Peyton,2021).  As you start to practice this skill you will notice the profound difference in your body as it begins to relax the moment you name the emotion(s) you are precisely feeling.

Take your time with this, most of us have not been raised or encouraged to do this and so it’s a new skill and a new awareness we are building. Tools like Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions can support you as you feel into what you are experiencing and exploring  exactly what you are feeling in this moment. Is it irritation, anxiety, overwhelm, bewilderment, dismay, fear, shame, grief, horror, rage, or alarm just to name a few of the possibilities?

Psychologists call this precise use of words to name emotions emotional granularity.  Studies have shown that the “more emotional granularity a person has, the less likely they are to shout or hit someone who has hurt them”; and the less likely they are to binge drink when stressed. And at the other end of the continuum “people diagnosed with major depressive disorder are more likely to have low emotional granularity” compared to healthy adults (Micahaelen Doucleff). So emotional granularity not only helps alleviate the intensity of what we are experiencing, it enables us to have choice and be intentional about how we rise up to the challenges we face, and meet them.

When we experience anxiety, the body is giving us an alert sign that something is wrong. The body is saying “I am agitated, and I cannot settle. There is something that stops me from being able to rest. My system is on edge.” (Sarah Peyton, 2021).

“If you observe yourself for fifteen seconds or so, many sensations start to emerge.  The more you notice, the more you will continue to notice. Emotional observation has similar goals to meditative practice.”  The aim as the observer of your physical experience is to be open and notice the physical sensations you’re experiencing in your body without judgement.  When our body’s sensations are within our awareness and are being integrated, then our relational, contextual brains have an easier time sorting things out” (Sarah Peyton, 2021). ‘They contain biological wisdom and communicate what’s important to us and to those around us.”  (Hillary Jacobs Hendel).
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An exercise from Sarah Peyton’s Workbook (2023) to get you started and to provide a sense of what you are sensing into and attuning to:
Bring to mind a difficult event that is still bothering you and circle the words that your belly says “yes” to. (“Our bellies are a rich source of information about how our bodies are doing in the world” (Sarah Peyton)).

​Source: Sarah Petyon, 2021, Your Resonate Self - Workbook

​If you were able to circle even one sensation, congratulations, “you have invited your relational brain to awaken” (Sarah Peyton, 2021).  Focusing “awareness on a sensation stimulates nerve cells to fire, facilitating the flow of emotions and as we do this we begin to “feel calmer and more balanced and our courage and self-confidence grow” (Hillary Jacobs Hendel).
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Emotions are our friend, our allies, here to help us
All our experiences including anxiety “need to be understood and respected, perhaps even befriended.”.  As Brene Brown says “we need to pull up a chair and sit with them, understand why they’re showing up, and ask ourselves what there is to learn.”

“Our emotions are our friends wired into us by eons of evolution. Their purpose is not to scare us and overwhelm us and make us lose control. Emotions are wired into our brains and bodies and nervous systems to help us cope with our environments and thus enhance our adaption”“(Hillary Jacobs Hendel). In difficult moments, when anxiety feels like it is ramping up, I find it immensely helpful to remind myself of this and that when I know what I’m feeling, I will do better and be able to deal with life better as it happens and unfolds.

There are no positive or negative emotions
All our emotions are simply expressions of our natural life energy and as such are an essential part of our humanity. Nicholas Janni describes emotions as being the “gateway to our deeper humanity.”  When we are able to connect to our emotional states it “allows a richer, more heartful and empathic relationship to life and to leadership” and “the foundation for higher levels of perception, vision, insight and innovation.”

We all feel anxious sometimes, however for some people with anxiety disorders, what they are experiencing goes beyond what I am talking about here and they can experience fear and worry that is both intense and excessive and prolonged. These feelings can be difficult to control and can last a long time if untreated and cause significant distress.

A generalised anxiety disorder, according to John Hopkins Medicine, “is a condition of excessive worry about everyday issues and situations.” It lasts longer than six months and “in addition to feeling worried, you may also feel restlessness, fatigue, trouble concentrating, irritability, increased muscle tension and trouble sleeping.” (Brene Brown).
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Feeling anxious is one way our bodies keep us safe from danger. But sometimes we can become overly worried and if it affects daily life, it may be an anxiety disorder (Black Dog Institute). If anxiety is starting to affect the way you’re living your life, it’s important to find help. There are lots of people who can help, and many ways to treat anxiety. The sooner you get help, the better it is for you and your recovery. The best place to start is by speaking to your GP, your primary care doctor or a mental health professional and there is additional information and links to support mechanisms on the black dog institute website.
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Blackdog Institute, 2024, https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/anxiety/help-support/

Brown, B. 2021, Atlas of the Heart – Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience, Penguin, Random House, London, UK.

David, S. 2017, Emotional Agility – Get Unstuck, Embrace Change and Thrive in Work and Life, Penguin, Random House, London, UK.

Whyte, D. 2018, ‘Lough Inagh’ in THE BELL AND THE BLACKBIRD, Many Rivers Press

Doucleff, M. 2019, Giving A Name To Your Anger May Help You Tame It : Shots - Health News : NP.R

Jacobs Hendel, H. 2018, It’s Not Always Depression – A New Theory of Listening to Your Body, Discovering Core Emotions and Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self, Penguin, Random House, London, UK.

Janni, N.2022, A New Paradigm for 21st Century Leadership – Leader as Healer, LID Publishing, London, UK.

Peyton, S. 2017, Your Resonant Self, Guided Meditations and Exercises to Engage Your Brain’s Capacity for Healing, W.W. Norton & Company, New York, USA.

Peyton, S. 2021, Your Resonant Self Workbook – From Self Sabotage to Self-Care, W.W. Norton & Company Inc, New York, USA.

Powell. A. 2023, Can mindfulness help anxiety? Trial suggests yes. — Harvard Gazette.

UCLA Health, 2012, That giant tarantula is terrifying, but I'll touch it | UCLA Health.

Whyte, D. 2024, RE-IMAGINING SHAME The Secret, Hidden Driver of Human Maturation, Three Sundays in March Series.

World Health Organisation, 2023, Anxiety disorders (who.int).
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Wood Brooks, A. 2014, Get Excited: Reappraising Pre-Performance Anxiety as Excitement – Harvard Business School, https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/xge-a0035325.pdf

​If emotional intelligence is a “set of competencies that allow you to apply thinking and feeling to make optimal decisions about yourself and others, enabling you to be smart with your feelings (Six Seconds), then what is emotional maturity? And should you care?
 
This topic was the focus of this month’s Six Seconds Connect and Learn for the Asia Pacific Region.  We started by exploring what emotional maturity is. Here are some of the answers offered by the EQ practitioners in attendance: 

​The distinction between emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, at first glance may not seem clear and a little like it is merely a play on words. However, there is a nuance here that is really important. At its heart, it’s about the choices we make and our commitment to become more aware, to be more intentional and more purposeful.
 
At its core, emotional intelligence is a set of competencies that enable you to “perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions” (Wikipedia). As we develop these competencies it provides us with the “ability to monitor one's own and other people's emotions, to discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour” (Peter Salovey and John Mayer cited by Andrew Colman in A Dictionary of Psychology). As such, emotional intelligence competencies enable us to define what sits within emotional intelligence are and are incredibly useful in measuring and learning the behaviours needed. It provides an evidence-based track to follow and frame what is expected (Drake, 2023). However just because we may have developed these skills and awarenesses does not necessarily mean we will choose to apply them appropriately.  Or that we will choose to apply them at all, which I have witnessed on several occasions with clients. 

​Or put more plainly: 

​​The notion of maturity goes beyond the building, cultivation and measuring of competencies. For example, David Drake (2018 and 2022) talks about narrative maturity and defines it as “the degree to which people can internally and externally narrate their experiences in order to respond to their environment in an appropriate and desired manner.” Emotions are a critical component of this process of navigating our experiences.  And the more secure we become, the more we can give ourselves the space we need to fully process our experiences, of ourselves, of others and to make conscious healthy choices (Drake 2022).  In turn this determines our adeptness and ability to cope, to connect with others; and to create and contribute.  As a result, emotional maturity is an ongoing commitment to practicing emotional intelligence and a devotion to mastery of our emotional intelligence. Or as George Leonard says it’s a process, a journey that requires our willingness to stay on the path day after day, year after year, for as long as we live. 
​

​This is where the Six Seconds model of emotional intelligence based on three pursuits of Know Yourself, Choose Yourself and Give Yourself really comes to the fore. 

Source: Source: Six Seconds – SEI-LTC Assessment​

​This is a model of emotional intelligence in action. At their core, these three pursuits are about:
1. Become more AWARE (noticing what you do)
2. Become more INTENTIONAL (doing what you mean)
3. Become more PURPOSEFUL (doing it for a reason)

​These three pursuits invite us into a new way of seeing, knowing and being in the world with our emotions. If you commit to practicing these three pursuits whilst cultivating the emotional intelligence competencies that sit within them, they will support you to develop and create greater intimacy with yourself; to get clear about what matters most to you; to build connection and greater intimacy with others; and to contribute to the world in ways that you care deeply about.
 
It will in short make a significant difference to your emotional maturity and your capacity to cope, connect, create and contribute in ways that matter most to you, and the people you care deeply for.

Colman, A. 2008, A Dictionary of Psychology, Oxford University Press, Great Britain.
Drake, D. 2018, Narrative Coaching – The Definitive Guide to Bringing New Stories to Life, CNC press, Petaluma, California.
Drake. D. 2022, Increasing Clients’ Narrative Maturity, Narrative Coaching Course, The Moment Institute.
Goleman, D. 1996, Emotional Intelligence – Why it can matter more than IQ, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, London, Great Britain.
Six Seconds Intelligence Network, 2024, SEI -LTC – Emotional Intelligence Assessment- Leading People Through Change, USA.
Wikipedia, 2024, Emotional intelligence - Wikipedia
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