Dignity: the power to create a new story

Dignity offers us the chance to “pick up the pieces of our bruised and battered psyches and offer them the nourishment they long for”. It has the power to help us create a new story about who we are and how we might be in the world.

Donna Hicks, an associate at Harvard University’s Weatherhead Center for International Affairs, who has worked for more than two decades in the field of international conflict resolution, describes dignity as a uniquely human phenomenon. She maintains that our desire for dignity “is our highest common denominator” because “we all want it, seek it, and respond in the same way when others violate it.” 
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Unfortunately, we are often unaware of the importance dignity holds for us and habitually and subtly violate not only our own dignity but also the dignity of others. Here are a few ways outlined in Donna Hicks’ book “Dignity – Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict” that we typically violate dignity

1. ​Cover ups and deceit to protect our own or other’s reputation. Commonly called “saving face” the temptation is to avoid our responsibility, and we attempt to minimize a painful incident in the hope that it will go away in order to protect ourselves.  We all have this capacity “in the service of self-preservation, to do great harm to one another.” And when we do this returning tit for tat, we end up being stuck in a never-ending cycle of indignity. And so, to maintain our own dignity and the dignity of others it’s important to tell the truth about what we have done.
2. Not being accountable for our actions and the shrinking from our responsibility to set things straight. In a similar vein, it’s important to “admit when you make a mistake and apologise if you hurt someone”. This act of saving face and deflecting responsibility for our actions gives rise to a number of cognitive distortions about the other person and this in turn ends up limiting our capacity to self-reflect, putting the normal development of our identity on hold indefinitely.  This simple and instinctive act of saving face limits are our capacity for learning and growth and what in turn might be possible for us. 
3. Depending on others alone to validate our self-worth. Many of us look to others to validate our own sense of worthiness. And this can become a self-perpetuating cycle of seeking validation outside selves which leads nowhere because dignity is something that resides within us.  It’s the inherent worth and value we hold as human beings simply because we exist.  If we can accept this for ourselves and start to discover and encourage that in others, we create the basis for self-esteem and a sound sense of self-worth that will ripple through all our actions to create spaces and circumstances where dignity can unfold into this fullest expression of our humanity. 
4. Remaining in relationships where our dignity is routinely disrespected. At the other end of the behaviour continuum, it’s important to not let our need for connection compromise our dignity.  You see, “at the everyday level, the aftereffects of having our dignity violated” is a level of shame and suffering that remains with us and adversely affects the quality of our lives. And all too often “suffering puts our lives on hold”.
5. Avoiding confrontation or conflict when our dignity is violated. A violation to dignity is a signal that something in the relationship needs to change. If this is happening in your life, then maybe it’s time you stood up for yourself. Repeated violations of dignity undermine not only your sense of self-worth, it also undermines your capacity to be in relationships with others in ways that bring out your best and their best.
6. However, if you are in a troubled relationship resist the temptation to automictically assume you are the victim. Open yourself to the possibility that you might be contributing to the problem. This awareness will give you agency and put you in the driver’s seat in your own life with the capacity to respond to what is going on and the capacity to take small intentional actions towards the life you long to create. Not to mention that “honouring people’s dignity is the easiest and fasters way to bring out the best in them. The opposite is equally true.”
7. Don’t let the bad behaviour of others determine your own behaviour. When we are treated badly the temptation is to retaliate.  All too often “when we are treated badly, we get angry, feel humiliated, and want to get even” unaware of the extent to which these primal reactions are driving our behaviour”. This primal desire “to get even blinds us to our own undignified behaviour.” Maintaining our dignity in these circumstances means using restraint. 

These simple behaviors, whilst difficult to live up to have the potential to make a profound difference. At their core these behaviors are about exercising restraint, being clear about our intention, our worth, our inherent value and the inherent value and the worth of others.
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Although difficult it’s not impossible. At the end of the day, it is simply deciding to treat ourselves and each other as if we really matter.  I believe we would then have a different story to tell about who we are and how our world might be if we claimed and lived into the dignity that is our birthright. It could open up the possibility to bring more healing into our wounded world. 

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​References

Blackie, S. 2018, The Enchanted Life, September Publishing, Denmark. 
Hicks, D. 2011, Dignity – Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, Yale, University Press, New Haven.

Organizing Engagement, 2024, Dignity Model, Dignity Model – Organizing Engagement
Sharma, M. 2017, Radical Transformational Leadership – Strategic Action for Change Agents, North Atlantic Books, Berkeley California.
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Weller, F, 2015, The Wild Edge of Sorrow, North Atlantic Books, Berkley, California.
 Zajonc, D. & Emerald D. 2024, “Escaping the Cycle of Seeking Validation”, Weekly Tips and Tools to Transform Drama, Center for The Empowerment Dynamic. https://theempowermentdynamic.com/